boys in the neighborhood
l scullyI like when things are funny but not too funny. Like the song “Hey, Soul Sister” by Train. That song is the perfect amount of funny. Train says his chest is untrimmed and he calls the subject of the song a virgin, which is funny because she presumably isn’t if she left her lipstick stains on the front lobe of his left side brains. I learned about the different types of irony from my fagg Evangelical teacher in eighth grade. He sang along to “Ironic” by Alanis Morisette and made us read Flowers for Algernon. If you don’t know, Flowers for Algernon is a book about a mentall disabled man who gets experimental surgery to increase his intelligence. I forget basically the whole book except when the newly-smart dude has sex for the first time, because it’s with a pregnant hooker, which is not something I knew a lot about in eighth grade. I only remember. any of this is because I explained the plot at five AM on the stoop of some baristas who are off-limits for kissing and fucking. The baristas recognized the name Algernon from World of Warcraft. I don’t play World of Warcraft but they told me it’s fun to play freshly high when you’v kicked a girl out of your bed. I don’t kick girls out of my bed anymore because I’m trying to be less of a misogynist, which is easier said than done. Especially because after eight PM every night my household observes “Misogyny Hours,” where I get to sexually harass my two women roommates from the start of the timeframe until they go to sleep. This can include slapping their asses as they walk by, ringing a bell that says RING FOR WEED, demanding that they make me a sandwich, and making them act out my favorite porn of the week. It’s fun because it reminds me that I am not a girl, and that I am funny. The guys on the stoop said they could tel I’m one of the bros. We’re not going to kiss because I’m one of the bros. Train says: “I don’t wanna miss a single thing you do tonight,” and that’s me. So I stay up past Misogyny Hours and head down to the stoop. “You chill super hard bro,” the stoop boys say. I would never try to sla their asses because they can hurt me, and I think that’s kind of funny.